This is Life

Food Food Glorious Food!

2006-03-19T17:54:00.000+08:00

I can't imagine what I would do without food. Imagine a bony, starving me waiting in anticipation for people to feed me...OMG. Can't think how lucky I am as compared to those living in Third World Countries. Really. We must not waste food. (Oh yap, I was almost underweight when I was a kid. Malnourished me...)

I ate 3 pieces of Roti John (cooked by my mum) and 2 cups of coffee today for breakfast. Or rather, brunch. Then at 230pm, I ate a few pieces of leftover chicken katsu, and a chinese pear (That was lunch). At 330pm, I couldn't stop my cravings for the chocolate Hello Panda that was sitting on my shelf for days. So I ate that up too. Wahaha...evil me. I think I really am indulging myself into too much food lately.. that I think I have ballooned. (Get it? BALLOONED!) Yup, think I must start my excercise again...

Look at all these wonderful food!

from left clockwise: Awfully choc cake, Pistachio and butter cream cake and Fish Schitnzel from Happy Chef

Wonderfully sinful! The cakes are simply heavenly. One is from Awfully Chocolate, the other was from Bakerzin.

The Fish Schitnzel came in such a huge portion for only $4.90! With fries and salad! But the salad tasted a bit "leftover" so I didn't dare to touch it. Location: Blk 466 Crawford Lane. Sure to spot it in the coffeeshop: *Warning*: long queues at 12pm starts.

Its great to find good food in Singapore. Sigh..I do wish I have a food kaki..or an SO who would love to accompany me to indulge in great food all the time, and explore new places...I had that chance once, but I guess, that "SO" was the wrong person at the right time. I let go of that person..so hopefully, I will be able to find one who will be the right person at the right time. ~~And yes, he must love food.~~

Personality Test (from OKCupid tests)

2006-03-12T20:19:00.000+08:00

The Personality Defect Test

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=4741219933576750506

Took the test out of curiousity, and seems quite true to me..Haha.

Emo Kid
You are 14% Rational, 28% Extroverted, 14% Brutal, and 28% Arrogant.
You are the Emo Kid, best described as a quiet pussy! You tend to be an intuitive rather than a logical thinker, meaning you rely more on your feelings than your thoughts. Not only that, but you are introverted, gentle, and rather humble. You embody all the traits of the perfect emo kid. You are a push-over, an emotional thinker, gentle to the extent of absurdity, and so humble that it even makes Jesus puke. (And Jesus almost never pukes, being immortal and not requiring an act of puke to dispell toxins from his corporeal manifestation.) If you write poetry, you no doubt write angsty, syrupy lines about depression, sadness, and other such redundant states of emo-being that go something like this:

Short day - Sunday

2006-03-12T19:36:00.000+08:00

Just a short entry here.
Met up with my secondary school gal pals today. Actually all but one were supposed to turn up, arranged to go for high tea at Goodwood Park Hotel. However, only me, Jiahui, Jiao and finally Xiulian came down. We ate at Bakerzin instead. I ordered a Smoked Salmon sandwich and a Frasier for dessert, (a pistachio with butter cream base and strawberries cake which I thought initially was a cheesecake). Their desserts are to die for!! So specially created. The cake was rather nice, I would say, but sweet. I like the fresh strawberries. Will try to post the picure of it up soon...

Anyway, we chatted for quite a while..sadly, not all of them came. It was quite sad, as some of them forgotten, some of them couldn't make it the last minute... So I guess Jiahui was quite pissed..

I really have not talked to most of them quite a while..hope to really know how everyone around is doing, and hopefully can hear some news about other TK people. Heard a few of them were getting married..like Barry (well, was Ting's buddy in sec sch), Daoxian, Weishih and Xiulian, and a few others too. Its nice to hear good news..well as for me..everything nice and fairy tale-like has vanished into thin air.

One thing I realised: I feel we must treasure our friendship. Friends are really like precious stones. I mean, what if everyone around you suddenly dissappear? Where will be the ones to be by your side once you need them? I really feel I must treasure the ones around me more. Especially friends and family members. What if everything was too late? Anyway, hopefully, our next outing would have all turn up and not "fly aeroplane again" for this time. If they are really good friends and treasure the relationship, they should make it an effort to remember our outing date and come for the outing. Haiz...hopefully, next month when we meet again, I will have our first group photo posted here in so many years.

really missed the days in TKSS..wish I could go back to those days..

Freaking thing happened!

2006-03-05T00:38:00.000+08:00

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you

I try my hardest just to forget everything

Because of you

I don't know how to let anyone else in

Because of you

I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty

Because of you

I am afraid

Because of you

(credit: AZlyrics)

Just so happen that this week, is the week, that marks the one year after my failed relationship. I just chanced upon this song above - Because Of You by Kelly Clarkson. The lyrics above are so me now....I admit I still think of him and miss him a lot. Occasionally I cry again.

Yah. Shall not say much about it again, lest it create sad memories again.

I do feel afraid..Real afraid.

Today I was in office at work. This secondary school ex-classmate of mine, B, signed in MSN.. first thing he MSNed me.."hi in office today?". I replied, with a bit of fear of what he will ask me next, that of course, I replied yah...cos i put "at work" in my msn nick.

Then, he asked if I had time later, and if I like to meet him for movie or dinner...

After hesitation, I coldly replied: "No I won't be free later."

I know I was bad. Anyway, the story was, he had tried asking me out a few times. The only thing was I treated him like an old friend, so I added him on friendster first. Then MSN, then chat a bit only that's all. And exchanged phone numbers. But.....I didn't expect he would ask me out thereafter!! He tried a couple of times after that, but I said I couldn't make it. How to reply like that if a person asked so directly? Its wierd you know...wierd..

The last time he smsed me to ask me out, I didn't reply at all. Heh.. but still. The way he asked me this morning..really freak me out. I'm really really afraid, I guess. After work when I thought about it, I almost dropped tears. I don't know why but I guess I have to reject the hard way. I'm not interested at all in any guys for now..I really just wish to live my life now as it is.

Actually, for a while, I thought, maybe I could start a new relationship again, with ZS. But it seems to me like he is not really that into me after all..Probably he's afraid of me too. Wahaha.. Maybe, I will not get married. I really fear having a relationship again. :(

But I really like this song "Because of You". Actually, really quite true, its all because of this jerk. I become so afraid now.

Stronger than yesterday

2006-02-25T20:02:00.000+08:00

1 week has passed. Been quite a busy week again. All this time I've been spending my days watching this Korean show that just finished its run in Korea not long ago - My Girl. Its a very comedic yet sweet show too. Really recommend this show..I watched this on "youtube" though..they got all the 16 episodes over there. And I cried at one of the episode, where the lead actress had to be seperated from her love due to the grandfather's objection to their relationship.. And she cried like hell..Its really sad at that part.

Just got to know yesterday only, that one of my colleague is going to leave the company. Again. I thought.. that's 2 within like 3 months. Is it due to the environment here, the job scope or our downhill business? Maybe is all of the above. Frankly, I have thought about it too. But not in the near future..yet. But then, this is really quite demoralising again to us. Well, I know that business will never be the same like before.. it's not possible already, its pretty obvious. Well, that's part and parcel of the business world. Unless there is really a miracle that can save our department from losing money..otherwise, I think it may just vanish or crumble one day.

Oh.. its going to be March soon. 11 March..to be specific.. will be one year already. I know it in my heart and I shall not mention it here. I shall be strong as I can. (Strong on the outside yet weak on the inside..) I keep telling myself to be strong.. Here goes: Bashia! Aja-aja fighting!! -- result of watching too many Korean shows. Haha.. the actresses always like to use these words. Probably sort of an encouragement to themselves to be strong.

Ok back to my Korean show now ..Last episode!

1 Year has passed..Look ahead and never look back..Aja!

Great Day!

2006-02-18T17:33:00.000+08:00

Feeling quite great today! Probably, its the weekend.

I have just finished editing my blog after a gruelling 10 hours. I'm slow yah...and I know I really don't post much, but I think I will post more often as I can from today onwards. Will update more stuff when i have the time..

These few days were quite busy for me, Work as usual... travelling around.. hot days plus strong wind..blow my face and hair until very pek chek. But then weekend comes I feel better already. This Thursday will be my company's dinner and dance!! Woohoo! And its going to have a TV Star theme plus some magic shows! Will post some pics if I can!

Actually I have quite a number of pictures of food that I ate over the past few weeks, some wierd, some nice eg. my first time eating escargot (aka snail), and good steak...etc.

Here's one I ate last last Wednesday: this is a Peach gelatin ice-cream, I ate at Waraku! Super nice!

Nowadays I feel my time is not enough like that..I have many Taiwan & Korean drama shows to watch, (and dl!); and I just bought 5 frames of glitter glue art to do (those Precious Moments and My Melody; I have many books I want to read; Other than that I also want to surf the net and forums everyday...and moreover, I'm thinking of going to participate in some volunteer work and also sign up for a Amore package...etc. List goes on....Gosh. I feel I don't have time at all.

Hopefully I can fit in all the stuff I want to do.

~ AccepT the things to which fate binds YoU ~

V-Day is Coming..

2006-02-12T02:15:00.000+08:00

What a long time since I posted.

Its going to be Valentine's Day again.

This year..Its my first time in 8 years going to be alone. Alone on V-day.

But anyway, it would be a Tuesday and I'm gonna work anyway, So after work head home to bathe, eat dinner and surf forums/watch tv as usual. Just like any other day.

Darn. Everyday is just like any other day. Who cares about Valentine's Day anyway when you don't have that special someone anymore...

Anyway, looking forward to blogging more often and watching my drama shows!

every girl wants a man that she can goes to in her sweat, hair in a mess, make up running down her face, eyes red from crying, and the first thing he says to her is "Baby you're beautiful.", and means it.

Merry Christmas 2005

2005-12-26T15:26:00.000+08:00

I havent blogged in a while. Maybe I was trying to get on with my life, recovering myself, recollecting time lost, going out and making friends, finding old friends...etc. Christmas is a time for giving and receiving, going out and spending time with friends, family and having fun. I'm glad I spent it with my best of colleagues that day.

Christmas Eve: KTV, Dinner and Movie at Orchard
Ok i shall write about Christmas Eve first. Saturday. Today was a day out with my best of colleagues, plus their boyfriends. Mandy + Liwei, Weiling + Alex. Actually it was supposed to be 5 of us, but due to some unforseen reasons, we had Esther + Dennis joining us for karaoke at Party World Orchard. But I first met Mandy + Liwei at the new Wisma Food Court. Its my first time in ages at Wisma, probably the new food court after it revamped. Tried out the Hokkien Mee and the Or Luak there, where its supposed to be famous. And the queue is pretty long. The cook can just cook like one big wok of Hokkien Mee, up to like 20 plates at one go!! I just see the big wok really surprising for me. Overall Rating: 4/5 - I think the Hokkien Mee is not bad. Chilli is damn hot. But for the Or Luak, Overall Rating: 2.5/5. Not enough taste, and not enough crispy for the egg part. Me and Mandy shared one plate of Hokkien Mee and we three then shared the Or Luak together.
Anyway, we were very full after the lunch. Then we quickly rushed over to Party World for our ktv session.

Weiling + Alex were there already at 2pm. But we reached only at 230pm. Anyway, they started first. Not long after, Esther + Dennis came. Our session lasted till 6pm. Quite fun, as this is like the first time we are going out together, and the rest of my colleagues with their boyfriends along. Except ME. But its ok lah, I'm absolutely fine with it! Each of us had a turn to sing so at least it won't be boring. And haha, we forced Mandy to select song to sing! Mandy can't escape this time! Cos she always don't wanna sing whenever she joins us for ktv. She scare pai seh...Heh. But at least this time she had no other choice. Actually, her voice is quite nice too. =)

--> Santa Claus at Party World!!

KTV ended. It was around 6pm. Esther + Dennis couldn't join for dinner as they had another gathering. (phew..that was our original plan anyway). Then we headed down to Heeren for our Sakae Sushi dinner at 630pm. Actually we were still rather full at that time. So we decided to just go in and take our own sweet time to eat. Ha. We heard that Alex was rather a big-eater, but he don't really eat sushi, according to Weiling. But in the end, he ate a lot of sushi too! Especially prawn ones! Was rather funny, cos we kept saying we were so full, then Alex was the only one in our group who just continued eating and eating.... We kept teasing him too. For me, I only ate Chawanmushi (A must!!), the toufu, one potato salad, one salmon sushi, then we had those takopachi balls and scallop balls. We were very full then. Around 830pm, we left Sakae and walked around.

Our next destination: Orchard Cineleisure. For our movie at 910pm. We were watching The Family Stone. Anyway by the time we came out of Heeren, Orchard was already beginning to feel the atmosphere around. People were EVERYWHERE. So crowded. We quickly walked to Cineleisure. We still had some time so we went to the arcade there (on Mandy's insistence). Then Me, Mandy and Liwei played Daytona. It was really really really a long time since I played that game. The arcade, also, gave me many memories of the past....which I would rather not mention again. :) Peace..

Then we went to watch our movie. It was supposed to be a comedy. Got Sarah Jessica Parker leh, the Sex In the City lead actress. So I thought it would be a rather good movie. Overall Rating: 3.5/5. Starting part was a bit boring. But anyways, to the ending part, it was hilarious. Sarah Jessica Parker started to fall down and blah, everyone started to fall down in the kitchen. OK. Ha. Oh and Mandy warned us that Liwei laughs very loud when watching comedies. Yes. I think all of us heard his laugh in the theatre. Ha. I seldom watch movies nowadays, ever since....well. At least, I now have Mandy and Weiling around with me.

After our movie ended at 1115pm, we went out of the theatre and ... hmm Cine was closed already, but people were still everywhere. Gosh. Those teens around.. Makes me think back on those days when I was just like them. Then Mandy suggest to go arcade again. Cos she wants to play that "smash disc" game again. We were like, "not again!" Cos me and Weiling were really beaten hands down by her. Anyway, me, Alex, Mandy and Liwei played together for the final round. But me and Mandy lost. Mandy was really powerful leh. Must be Liwei trained one. I got some bruise at my hand in the end. Damn...wish I hadn't agreed to play. Surely will get injured one!! Ha... Cos its a really violent game. Then my arm was like lifeless already. Cos I really used up all my energy.

After a while we decided to leave Cine so we could like join in for countdown. It was 1150pm. But we had difficulties making our way out. Everyone was in joyful mood. And everyone was like spraying those bottled foam at everyone. I think we sooner or later will kena from them too. This year is not streamers kind, so strange, more of the foam type. I guess is easier to clean.
Anyway, by the time we managed to "siam" the havoc creators from spraying us, it was 12am already! Then we wished each other Merry Christmas and we took some photos.

Its Xmas 2005! At 12 midnight

Luckily we managed to take some nice photos, before people started to spray at us. Then we quickly tried to leave the place and walk out, to some other place. But we couldn't really avoid much of the people who were spraying around. It was a bit fun lah, then Liwei got a but pek chek so we went to buy a few bottles at a cheap price (cheated though), and sprayed at people who sprayed at us too. But too bad, as I mentioned we were cheated, spray a bit only no more left. In the end as we started to walk near Paragon there, someone sprayed hard at us. And I kena on my hair and my body. Though it was a nice sight, the foam is like snow. Haiz.. But its really fun. I think once, I commented that the bottle I holding can't spray anymore, then I think a teen who overheard me said, "No more right, Here got!" Then he sprayed at us. But we had already "siammed" him, just that in the end, Liwei was the one who kena from him. Haha..

Finally we went to Coffee Bean at Paragon to sit down a while instead. As it was difficult to get a cab at that time, (12am plus already), we decided to have some drinks first. At least, we can get away from the maddening crowd. We then teased Alex and asked if he's still hungry. He said: "OK la. Not hungry, but...still can eat..empty like that" Ha very funny. Really "pei fu" him for such a small-sized guy, he can really eat a lot. Anyway, I ordered a Ice Blended Chocolate (i think its the first time I tried that). Its not bad actually. After some time, we find that the crowd has quietened down, we then walked to the Taxi Stand nearby. But it was rather long queue. But its ok lah, seldom I get to stay out till so late on such an occasion. We just wait patiently. Finally, there was a cab that says going Tampines. So I managed to board that and went home :) That was about 145am already. Can imagine how long we waited for cabs!!

Reached home about 210am like that. Just nice, Mandy called me. Then I told her I just reached home. They were still waiting for cabs! Ha. Anyway, went washed up and bathed. I think it was the first time I had come home late and have to bathe at 2am plus!! Anyway, I did some other stuff, waited for my hair to dry. Mandy smsed me again at 3am plus. "Hey gals! Had a great time with u all today...! Its fun! Haha..Best wished & merry xmas! Thanks for all e tings we went thru tis whole yr n hope next yr wil be a better one! Frenz! Gdnight! :)"

Actually, I was really touched by her message.
Though I'm alone this year, after a failed relationship, at least I got to go out on Christmas Eve. With Mandy and Weiling. We are like besties in our office. And moreover, I think Mandy was trying her best to keep me company by talking to me more often during our outing together. Cos I was the only one without a date. Haiz.. But really, I really appreciate the time we had together. It was really fun. If not for them, I would be just nuaing away at home, feeling lonely, etc. I'm really glad I went out with them and to have them as friends! I mean, to me now, I realised friends are very important. Just like my family too. I hope I can go out with them more often! Anyway, Merry Christmas !! Though I'm sad its over, I'm really glad. I'm happy too. Now, is to await the new year 2006 to come. I guess, it will be a new beginning for me. =)
Anyway I slept at 4am plus that day. Dead tired by then.

Loneliness

2005-11-06T22:58:00.000+08:00

I read some blogs over the weekend. One of them being a recently-made friend's one. I only chanced upon his blog on msn..and found..his latest post being his breakup with his gf.
Why are relationships so fragile?

I heard so many of these already, for the past few months.

Why is it two people can't be together till they leave the world?

I really missed him a lot...

Still found myself crying after all...

I wish to go backpacking...alone. I know I have to do things alone.

Loneliness..something I never felt for so long.I once had the feeling many many years ago, probably when I was a kid. But now..it seems to be haunting me again.

End of my birthday 2005 ~ A sad birthday

2005-11-03T23:56:00.000+08:00

Another half hour more, my birthday will end. How did I spend my lovely day?

Let me think carefully..............................................................................

Nothing at all.
Woke up at 9 plus, switched on my handphone. Received another 2 birthday messages from friends. I replied back with thanks. One of which my sec school friend msged, "Wish you find your true love and happiness soon!" I was thinking, Darn...I know you mean well. But its like shooting an arrow into my already fragile heart. How to find happiness? How to find true love? Do such things exist now?

Then I washed up and ate breakfast at 10 plus. Cos my parents came back quite late.
Then i surfed net as usual. From 11am all the way to 6pm. Along the way, I kept thinking if I should reply to Ting or not. If I reply, it makes me feel I'm still around, I actually want him to worry about me. If I don't reply, I feel bad again to ignore him, cos anyway he did reply my msg when I wished him happy birthday too.
Went on to the reliable msn website thingy and found him online... well ...

I kept thinking back on those days on how my past birthdays for 8 years were spent eating dinners or lunches, watching movies with him.
Today, its just like any other day.
And I literally cried myself to shit..
In the end, I couldn't resist the urge to reply him back : "Hey...thanks for e msg yest. Actually...didn't expect you would msg me again..."
Anyway I know he won't reply anything back lah.

Went on my day surfing FP, reading blogs and doing our Yahoo Group stuff. I tried exporting all photos and messages inside to my laptop. Cos there may be a day i really want to delete myself off the group, and let him know about it. One day, I tell myself, I will do it. But up till now, I still "bu she de". I still want to see the things there.. I cried a lot when I saw the stuff again. Couldn't control emotions today. Supposed to be my happy day, but his message just almost ruined my day again. Why does he still remember? When he said he already forget? Such a contradiction..

I even went to the extent of saving our past icq and msn messages. I know its silly, but, I really wish to preserve a memory of these.
I am thinking of collecting all of the photos we took together, burn into CD and send it to him. Once and for all? I don't know if its a good idea. It means im contacting him again, when I shouldn't be. Sigh. I'll think about it again.

Few more minutes to end of 3 November 2005. How a sad and lonely day it is today. Surfing net and watching tv again to pass my time. Tomorrow off day again. Going out to do some stuff cos I don't really feel like staying home. And at night going to watch 933 Hit Awards? Hmm if I remember to go lah. I feel xian to go too...

Ting, Wish I could see you again. Everything is such a mess for me now. Where are you? Where have you been? Would you know I'm still thinking of you? Why do you still bother to wish me happy birthday? Why do you still want me to enjoy my special day? How should I go on my life without you?

I read this saying in FP forum,

Do not marry the one you love only,
Marry the one you can't live without

I actually can't live without you, Ting. Look at me now. So miserable. I love you a lot as a person and feel comfortable with you and all, accepted all faults etc. Why can't you feel the same for me?

True love is found, when you see her flaws, overcome her imperfections, and find that you still can't live without her.

How true. When is love really true love?

But why did my true love fly away just when I finally found it?

Happy Birthday To Me???

2005-11-03T01:38:00.000+08:00

I received an sms from Ting. Wishing me happy birthday, "as if singing the birthday song". I cried when I saw the message. I didn't expect you to sms me again. After all these "things" that happened. I didn't think you would remember my birthday. I don't know how to react. Your sms also said to "enjoy my special day". But most of the time, my birthday was a special day, as it was spent with you, at least, for the past 8 years. How should I enjoy my special day today now that you are not here with me? I really wish you could celebrate with me, but, how?

This is the first time in so many years, I have to go through my birthday alone.

Why did you still bother to sms me? I thought you said you wanted to forget everything, you made a decision to forget everything. Its like, guys are so unfeeling...And you didn't give me the chance to talk to you, to explain our misunderstanding, that we could give it another go again. I just wanted to talk things out. But you didn't give me the chance.

All I had was rejection, rejection, rejection. How? I ask myself?

I wish you were still here with me, (of course I still love Ting a lot. ) Love never dies for no reason. Yah, guess I had no reason ... But will you still spend time with me? Why send me the sms message? Or is it you think its only a friendly gesture? To me, of course, I'm happy that you remembered. Bothered to sms me. But I don't know if I should reply you...Actually I rather you ask me out instead..... (*slaps myself. Its only a wishful thinking of mine)

Though, I still wish I could happen to see you again. I don't know if fate will bring us together again. I'm still thinking if I should reply to your message. Say Thanks. I know. I realy thank you for remembering...If you do happen to read this..But I know you never come in before. You don't even reply to my past mails to you at all.

Enough said. I feeling groggy from the Hooch alcohol I bought to drink just now. Wanted to finish the other bottle one. "Jie Jiu Xiao Chou". Yah...I type also very blur already. Guess tomorrow will be a boring day. How to enjoy?? How should I enjoy myself?? Duh. Crap.

Current song (excerpt from the song about my feelings now...)

枫 Feng Maple - By Jay Chou =)

缓缓飘落的枫叶像思念

huan huan piao luo de feng ye xiang si nian

Longing is like a maple leaf, slowly drifting downwards

为何挽回要赶在冬天来之前

wei he wan hui yao gan zai dong tian lai zhi qian

Why does this retrieval have to happen before winter comes?

爱你穿越时间

ai ni chuan yue shi jian

My love for you transcends time

两行来自秋末的眼泪

liang hang lai zi qiu mo de yan lei

Two lines of tears that fell for the end of autumn

让爱渗透了地面

rang ai shen tou le di mian

Has let love completely permeate the surface of the earth

我要的只是你在我身边

wo yao de zhi shi ni zai wo shen bian

The only thing I want is for you to be at my side

I miss you.

2005-10-16T11:15:00.000+08:00

I keep thinking of you. Ting. You will never know. Last sent you your birthday sms on Tuesday. Gave you my last letter on Wednesday. I don't know if you throw away or keep it to read... Sigh. You treat me like a stranger...I was very close to you, do you know that? Why did we become like this? Why do you just want to forget everything?

Sometimes when I'm on the bus, I look out at the window. Silently crying to myself. Listening to the sad songs on my Mp3 Player. One song I really felt for, was The Blower's Daughter, by Damien Rice.

The Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time

And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind... my mind...
'Til I find somebody new

I really can't take my mind off you. Ting. I have decided to do one thing.
One thing that I never really thought of when I was with you.
One thing you didn't want to mention to me yet when I was with you.
Probably, it was because the past few months when I thought of you, I don't know why but i turned to God. Asked for answers. And I don't know why, I have this feeling over and over again, of wanting to accept God. Could it be just because I want to see you?

I want to join a guitar course soon. Its because of you, I fell in love with guitar too. You promised you would teach me...I still have my guitar bag in your house. I have requested you to return to me...But will you? You won't want to see me right?

I'm really lost. Confused with my life now. Now that you're gone. I really love you and miss you..

Why have you hurt me again?

2005-10-10T16:12:00.000+08:00

I came by to look for you again. At your house bus stop. Cos its your birthday tomorrow. Made cookies, bought mousepad, and paper holder for you. waited for an hour or so, i saw you come out. I was happy to see you.But you had to rush for interview again...Anyway i gave you the things, and at least you sms me to thank me for it. I didn't want to reply you. I know if I reply, you would not sms me again.

At 1.25pm, i received your sms again. Saying you tried the cookies and was delicious. Though it was "chao dar".. and you thanked me. You asked if I was sick and feeling better. I was a bit happy that you finally cared a bit..actually wanted to ask you out for lunch..but you didnt msg me. Anyway I asked you again if you want to come out for dinner tonight or tom.. but u just say you going home tom. Then you asked if I was on msn? - i was thinking..are you really willing to chat with me online again?Then you followed up with more msgs.. saying to take care of myself. and I dont have to really give you all those things..and honestly, it still feels wierd for you..

Few more goes: "I read a couple of your letters to me and really understand what you're driving at...But I don't want to lead you on..I'm sorry..It still feel very wierd."

"Please...don't hurt yourself..or bring yourself into such pain...it'll hurt me too..But honestly, i can't put myself back on that track.."

"yes. its not something that can be easily forgotten, but i've made a decision to forget everything back in march,,i'm sorry"

"please forgive me"

I replied back..no la you are not leading me on at all. i always prepare for e worst. i know i do all this don mean anything to you. but i doing out of my own will.as long as u smile can le.
you replied back" i'm smiling too..when i know that you're doing well.."

Is this going to be the end? Really the end?? I actually replied one more time..saying "no, im not.. anyway i know its still wierd for you.. but im still a determined person.."

im sorry. I dont wish to give up. Pls don't make me give up...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I guess I just don't want to be attached anymore. I can't, in fact. I no longer have the heart to love a second person, and I see no more the need to love any other person. When a relationship ends, it doesn't mean that you can just stop loving someone. The love can't just be stopped the instant the relationship ended. No one can stop it, and no one knows when it stops.However, I just know that I don't want to commit to any relationships anymore. I can't love a second man the way I love him. Since there isn't any place in my heart for a second person, why should I get involved? Thus, I have decided that I shall always remain single. I don't want to be attached for the wrong reasons or to hurt innocent people. I just want to be single, fill my days with those beautiful memories I had and live my days well. Maybe if ever I can meet another person like him, I might reconsider my decision. But for now, I seriously doubt so, be it the part on reconsidering or meeting another person like him. It's been like seven years and I haven't met another person like him, and I don't ever think there will be. He is just special, and forever he is the only special one. So like I said, marriage won't be in my cards, love won't be part of my life, I shall just stay single and remain single always.

But of course, this doesn't mean that I don't believe in love. On the contrary, I do believe strongly in love and it's existence. I do hope that all of you out there will find you true love out there and live out your fairy tales happily ever after.

At least, I knew I found my prince once and lived happily for a while... even though it couldn't last, but I truly loved and was loved once. Maybe that's enough.

But..I really can't bear to give you up. You know I can't.

Im struggling to smile "_"

2005-10-06T01:26:00.000+08:00

I wonder if you ever read my letters.
I wonder if you kept my gifts to you.
I wonder if I ever held a special place in your heart.
I wonder if I was ever important to you at all.
I wonder if I mean anything to you all these years.
I wonder if everything I done for this period is worth it or not...
I wonder if you still think of me, care for me..
I wonder if you were happy to see me.
I wonder if you ever cared about my feelings.
I wonder why some guys can be so insensitive and heartless.
I wonder why guys just choose to forget and avoid instead of solving it straight away. (from other people's experiences too)
I wonder if you ever know that I am so hurt inside, yet struggling to smile at you outside..

I wish I have a hard knock on my head, suffer a concussion, lose my memory or worse..drop dead in front of you.
Yeah..I dreamt of dropping dead right in front of you, TinG...the day i last met you...

Do you ever care about what I have done for you? Will you ever think of me if I'm really gone? :(
Life's so unfair for some people. I happen to just be one of them.

I saw you again...

2005-10-03T14:00:00.000+08:00

I'm very happy. Cos I specially came to see you and pass you some stuff. And I saw you smile. You talked to me too for a while. Though its such a short while, and you had to rush for work, I'm really happy to see you for that short while. I don't know if you feel the same way too.. But at least, you thanked me for the gift. I'm sorry if I keep doing this.. But I just want to see your smile. Really glad that you send me an sms first for the first time...As long as you are happy..I'm happy too. Thanks...TinG..

What should I do??

2005-10-01T23:41:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling so bad now. I miss Ting a lot. Really. Why did I ever do such a thing in my entire life? I really regretted sending my stupid mail to him. Otherwise, up till now, we will still be together...Is it too late for me?

I thought we can sort out the misunderstanding..and probably our relationship can grow stronger. Just that now he doesn't believe in me already. I don't know how. I don't think I can really live without him in my life. I should have talked to him directly instead of doing that. Really sucks... I didn't know what I was doing.

He is the most special person in my life..How did I ever think of that? I wish we could work things out...still pray for a miracle. Tomorrow feel like going temple to get a lot...maybe it will help to guide me. Even God is not helping me, what should I do to make him believe in me?

I really love you truly, TinG, I really do.

"Colourful" - The colourful times..

2005-09-29T22:09:00.000+08:00

I missed you. This was our first Valentine's Day date. In 1997. Outing to Sentosa. You held my hands. We took this picture on the monorail. I had that stupid hairband on my neck still. It was a lovely moment for us. Do you know how much I cherished this picture together? Though I look wierd at that time, you still looked charming to me. I remembered I gave you a "sand art" and a towel. You gave me 2 hello kitty walking toys, and a cute bunny that says "I Love You" 3 times. It was the best present I ever had.

I always look forward to whole day outings together. Its like from morning to evening times. Mornings eat breakfast or watch movie, then lunch, then maybe go walk around. They were the happiest times of my life. Remember you always send me home, the first few times, during our first few dates, I keep saying "colourful" to you. You know what "colourful" means? I kept asking you.. then you finally understood. That was before we became together. Do you know I still "colourful" ?

Why can't you cherish our moments together? Why you keep saying you're sorry? Why you keep saying you just can't? Have you forgotten the times we had? At least, we had many happy times, no arguments, no major fights. I consider us lucky not to have quarrels often. I hate quarrelling.. Have you really forgotten me?
I'm always faithful to you. I am still..I only love one man in my entire life..What about you? Do you want to have someone else in your life other than me? Am i only just a passerby in your life?

Why can't you love me again? Why can't you say "colourful" again?

Please Come Back...

2005-09-28T23:16:00.000+08:00

I know you won't come in here anymore. This was set up by me to represent our lives together. Wonder if you know I have been leaving so many messages here. Sent you your tee-shirt and watch. Don't know if you received it yet. I guess you don't care about my existence anymore. Why you are so unfeeling towards me? After 8 years + together.. you treat me like a total stranger after that. You don't even like want to say anything about our relationship together. I'm still so hurt inside.. I really love you and I really want to work things out together..so why don't you want to give it another go again? Are you afraid? Or have you forgotten everything about our lives together for the past 8 years? Have you totally forgotten everything? Do you have me in our heart at all for these 8 years?Don't you have at least a bit of love left for me? You are so unfeeling..why are you so cold towards me? I really want to do something for you on your birthday. You seem happy about your birthday drawing near..I can see that. Is it because I'm not around already?

I'm not giving up on you at all. Though I have taken a step back this time, I still hope I can support you and encourage you from behind. I wish I can see you.. I pray to God that one day you will come back to me.. Can this happen at all? I need a miracle for this to happen.. I'm so sad.. Why can't you heal my pain? Why can't you be the one to comfort me?

Why you don't want to see me anymore? Why all the gifts I gave you..you don't have any reaction at all? I wish you could just tell me what's wrong. I wish we can talk about our problems. If you ever love me, you wouldn't just leave me alone like that. You wouldn't just avoid like that. You are one who faces up to problems. not run away from them..

Im hesitating whether I should give you anymore notes or presents. Still part of me wants to continue on. Maybe you have someone else in your heart already that has replaced me; old, ugly, used ME. Maybe you find that person better than ME. Maybe you feel I shouldnt have appeared in your life after all. I still miss you dearly, and I have never loved a person so much in my life.

I somehow wish I could suffer a concussion, and erase part of my memory from age 16 to 24. Erase my memory then I won't be so miserably missing you..Or rather, let me die from some illness as soon as possible, then leave this world fast, rather than die a slow old age death, keeping all the misery to myself.Why do you want to give up on me? You don't even love me at all for these 8 years?

Still love you lots, TinG.

Maybe you are happy.

2005-09-27T23:58:00.000+08:00

Can't believe I'm still crying each day, after work, i can't control my emotions again.
Maybe you are very happy to be without me now. Maybe you threw away all my letters and presents to you. Went to your house yesterday morning. Just to slip in my 5-page long letter to you, and the snacks. and the t-shirt+watch. I promised to give you space...to leave you alone for the time being. Maybe you are really avoiding me. I don't think you really are "glad" to see me again after all. Otherwise, why I just wish to pass you your "Hard Rock" Tee-shirt I bought from Korea, the "Swatch" watch I bought from KL..just pass you a while only also cannot? I know you are very busy, but its just only a while? Pass you then go..you can't even grant me a simple request like that?

I don't know, but I have a feeling you are just very happy without me in your life now. Maybe you are happy to see me in such a miserable and desperate state. Maybe you are happy that I still think of you. For you, life just goes on like that, but for me? Its a torture everyday. I can't see you, can't talk to you, can't touch you, can't feel the man I love so much. Everyday I put up a strong front at work. I can't possibly cry in front of my colleagues. At least, I go to Flowerpod for support and encouragement, knowing that there are so many other people in the same state as me, I feel much stronger. I try to pray to God, that I won't cry so much, and I won't think so much. At the same time, I still pray for your safety, your good health and for my miracle to happen.

Why you still no feelings at all after I done so much? I even gave you the scrapbook of our photos and memories. You didn't even thank me for that. No reaction at all. Why.....
Maybe you just chucked it away, and didn't even open to see it. You are really so insensitive, so heartless, so unfeeling.. Why can't you even show a bit of concern for me at all?

I really love you a lot and I really care about you still. I'm even planning what to do on your birthday, I even took leave specially for it. I don't know if you will appreciate what I do, or maybe feel touched at all. I don't know what I should do. Probably you just want someone else in your heart now. Probably you feel happier if I wasn't in your life. So unfeeling..how could you?

Remember one of our songs? You smsed me the chorus before...

Leaving On A Jet Plane by Chantal Kreviasuk (Armageddon OST)

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn
The taxi's waitin', he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

Is this all fated??
I love you, TinG.

Guess You Want To Be Alone..

2005-09-26T23:28:00.000+08:00

I guess ...Things have come to such a stage that I can't just close my eyes and pretend that it didn't happen.Maybe, you don't want me in your life anymore. You want me to be out of your life completely. You want to be without me, You want to treat me as though I don't exist at all. You don't even wish to see me, let alone contact me, even after you gave me your contact no.But, still. Thanks for coming down to see me. Accepting my gifts. I thought you still cared for me, when that day you replied to one of my sms, telling me to "Take lovely care of myself". I was so happy at that point of time. I thought you still cared a bit at least. You always said that to me, smsed that to me last time.

Sad to say, maybe you don't feel anything for me at all.Maybe you just smsed me back for the sake of smsing back. You felt you had to reply at least..Why are you so void of feelings for me? After we have been so long together for 8 years (9th year this year),You don't feel a bit of "heart pain" for me at all??What I truly wish for is to turn back time.Maybe I would not have done that, sending you that stupid email..

I still love you very much but I guess sometimes in life, things just don't go the way I hoped for.
Everyday I pray to God, for a miracle, hoping you will come talk to me again, come see me, love me back, appreciate me for what I had done. I don't think you want to contact me, even you said you will "catch up with me again". What's the point? I don't know if I ever lose my faith in you one day. But till now, I still love you and pine for you, wish you would come back, wish one day you would feel for me again...

I dreamt of you.....I dreamt that we were back together...
Your pictures (3 frames of my fav photos) are still in my shelf.The soft toys which you gave me are still around.Your letters, notes, all I still kept in my shelf so I can have easy access to read.I didn't pack up everything that you'd given me into a box.. to be kept hidden somewhere and eventually forgotten.Everything's still in their original place.I even put some of our photos in my handphone. Set as wallpaper. I also have a newest photo I created of us, set as wallpaper on my laptop.

You had became a part of me and I would always hold that fact close to my heart.You were my first love and we had been together for the longest time in my history of relationships.Nothing can change that fact and so I wouldn't do anything to hide it.

So you only treat me as a friend.. after all these years together.. you don't feel touched at all. Im only a friend now. Why...Why you want to treat me like this? Why do guys let go of their feelings so easily? Why guys are so insensitive?

Would you catch me if I'm falling?

Would you kiss me if I was leaving?

Would you hold me? Cos I'm lonely without you...

I still love you lots....Miss you lots...

I Just Want To Tell You I Am Sorry.

2005-08-12T12:58:00.000+08:00

Dearest Ting,

I've been crying my heart out all day long..I feel so depressed right now. From the time I leave home to my workplace, I think of you only and the times we shared. At work, I put on a "mask", a strong face so that no one knows my sadness in me. After work, it is another me, bearing the pain and holding back the tears on my way home. Upon reaching home, I couldn' bear it anymore and start crying out loud. At bathtime, I couldnt resist dropping my tears, that's the best time I could let go of myself, as no one will be around to hear my crying.

I don't know why i'm feeling so depressed now, maybe because our "anniversary" is nearing. I want to tell you a lot of things. I want to say sorry, please forgive me for the stupidest thing I have done. I know you would not forgive me. I have regretted what I done.

I sent you an sms on tuesday 8/8/05, hoping that you will reply back. Sent you an email on 9/8/05, hoping you would read it. I don't know if you have read my messages I left you or you are just ignoring me. Maybe you are really ignoring me. Its been two days, although i feel there is no hope for me left, I still hope you will forgive me.

I feel so ashamed of myself. I don't know if I still have the courage to face you again. But I knew deep down in my heart, you are the only one I ever loved. And that will remain true to my heart. I really cherish the 8 years + that we have been together, all the ups and downs we faced, the trials we went through, the memories we shared, places we explored,food we tried, breakfasts, lunches, tea-break and dinners we had... All these memories keep coming back to me....But I know all this crying won't make you come back to me anymore....

As of today, I realised, maybe I should leave you alone. Maybe you have found the woman you love and deserve. A better person than stupid me. And I, I will always love you from the bottom of my heart. I know it is stupid of me to think this way, but I cannot forget you and the times we shared. It was my mistake and now I am paying the price for it. I have decided not to get into another relationship again; its not that I do not want to move on, but I tried and can't move on. I do not deserve anybody's love for treating you like that.

It's time to end... I miss you very much. I know we can't go back to the past...though I still have that little bit of hope...
Just want to tell you I am very sorry. And I love you forever....

My love for you will never die.
E.

Why Life So Fragile?? A Tribute to a friend.

2005-08-07T15:08:00.000+08:00

Recently, something bad happened in JC NET (jay's forum) . One girl at the age of 17 or 18, passed away. The reason being, she killed herself....and intentionally, in a car accident. It seemed to be planned ahead, as she had already finished her part in a group project work ahead of time..(This news came from her friend, i suppose, who left msgs in our JC net forum) It came as a utter shock to me, cos I met her twice only during our Jay Chou Net Initial D Outings and she kind of left a big impression on me cos of the style of dressing she has. She is like every other normal schoolgirl, active, friendly, loves Jay Chou so much. i looked at her friendster profile and she is just like every other normal person..Who knows such a thing could happen..

Whatever the reason is, I don't really know. But the only reasons I could think of are relationship problems and school / parents pressure. What drives a person to suicide? Depression, Lack of support, Friends, Peer pressure..No one knows the real reason except her parents I suppose.

I only knew about this when probably her wake has just ended. It was a sad thing for us JC net members who have met and talked to her especially. I remember talking to her once, when I was at the movie outing, sort of like asking her to quickly go buy food before the movie starts. Now, she's just gone like that.

I feel very sad about this and wonder why life is so fragile? And why didn't I get to know her better, only to regret when she is gone..probably her problems that she had may be solved..This incident really taught me that we MUST cherish our lives, It is not meant to be just thrown away like that.
As well as friendships that we have made along the way. Friends are really important to me now.

Im memory of someone I just met.. a tribute to you, friend. May you rest in peace.

"None of us can help the things life has done to us"

Jay crazy; Countdown to Initial D

2005-06-12T16:30:00.000+08:00

Haha. The countdown to Initial D has begun about roughly three weeks ago for me. Very excited, my "beloved" idol (aka Jay Chou) is starring in this action-comic flick. As for me , Im planning a trip down with my colleague (another Jay-crazed) to Changi (airport of course) on 22nd June just to catch a rare glimpse of him coming to Singapore!!There goes another of my leave days.

I am actually not the kind of fan who really goes out in full support for their idols. I couldn't understand why in the first place how people younger than me could queue for days just to see their fav idols in action. I was at Harbourfront on Wednesday and I saw 4 girls sitting by the door at 845am. For E**** concert on Friday night. I guess. I was back on Thursday again and I saw them still there. Wow.

Jay crazy -- I don't know why and how it started, but it just started. Got influenced by my colleague I guess.But I really like his songs. He's quite a talent you know. He has a great bod, plays guitar and piano and others, (I have a soft spot for guys who play guitar ('o')), Love his tunes and lyrics he composed. And he seldom comes to Singapore , actually never for autograph signing or album promoting. So I will spend the day waiting for him, catching him on my camera and hope to get a rare autograph from him . Oh yes, I will be wearing a Jay Tee-shirt too. Will make a trip down to KL this weekend and look for the Jay tee-shirt that is supposedly very popular now.haha. I will try to act like a teenager. I promise. (*slaps!) Can't believe I'm doing this. At least I have someone to accompany me.

Anyway I guess there are hundreds, if not thousands out there who will be doing the same thing as me. No matter what happens, I guess I will keep supporting my idol all the way. Hope I can find more companions to do this with.

My First Time....

2005-05-16T06:04:00.000+08:00

Hmmm. My very own blog. This is the first time, the first time I am writing a blog. In the days when blogs first came out, I was thinking..why so many people waste their time writing blogs online. I had friends who stayed up late every day till 3 am 4am to post in their blogs. Wow. Now I AM doing this...haha..Actually i never thought of making it a habit.

But anyway,I used to write diarys since i was in primary school. And I have been writing them till now.Sometimes i will take them out and re-read them over again..Its very memorable. For example, during primary school days I wrote about my most loved friends and even hated onesAt that time I was already thinking why life is so unfair where my primary school partner became someone i hated. Secondary school times, it was more of the people i met and developed relationships with..and when i am sad I will write. Happy i write..Most of the time is because of the guys i liked in my school. Haiz. what a pastime. Now that i am working, I don't write that often. Until recently, as I really want to keep them in my memory.Even yesterday, I still took some time to write my diary,till 2am. I find that most of the times i write now is because I want to remember someone that came into my life suddenly, and left. (ya know those bgr relationships)I don't know why i still write about them. ")

Anyway this is my first attempt. There is some sense of satisfaction if you see the final thing on a website after posting your blog. It will definitely get better.